After your birthday, and before

So as usual, I found the day of your birthday to be entirely consuming. By work, by school, by life. Which is good. It prevented me from moping all day. But the day that was really hard for me was the day that I went to Chloe's birthday party, the Saturday before your birthday. I wondered if you were having your birthday party that day. If you had one at all this year. I understand there is a new baby soon, or already. Idk. I haven't heard from your parents. I hear they are expecting a boy. I sent my birthday wishes your way. I still haven't heard anything back. I look forward to pictures. I always look forward to pictures. I just wish I could be there. The only thing that I would change about your life is the openness of the adoption. I want to see you grow first hand. Even if it is only an occasional visit, it would be better than nothing. I want you to know first hand why I made the decisions I did for you, and not from the grapevine or from your parents. I wish for our line of communication to always be open. I wish for you to always be able to talk to me. I will always be searchable to you. Always. I always want you to be able to find me. And I want you to know that I always have loved you with all of my heart.

Getting through March

This month has been very hard for me to get through. You occupy my thoughts every moment of everyday. I feel like I am sinking back to my dark days, and I have no one to turn to for support. Nobody to cry to. Nobody to cling to. Because nobody understands. I can't break down. I need to be strong, because so many are leaning on me. I have to act happy. Always happy. Because if I don't, then people might think I have regrets. Or should have regrets. As much as I know I made the right choice for you, I have my dark days. I have my days of doubt. My days of sorrow. My days that I can let nobody see. Because if I see they will doubt. So here I go, day by day, trying to keep up this smile, when deep down, that hole in my heart is reopening. The one I thought I had patched up. The hole that is there from not being able to be there for you. Not being the one to dry your tears. Not being the one to show you this beautiful world. And now you are about to turn 3. You are walking and talking now and I'm not there to see, to hear, to help. You'll be falling down, skinning those knees and someone else will bandage you up. Feelings of resentment and anger set in. Feelings of jealousy. Anger towards all the girls around me keeping their babies. Jealous of the midnight feedings. I am retracting into my dark days. And I need to get out. It seems easier just to curl up and not leave my room. To fade from existence. Let this world forget me. But that just won't do. I have to fight it. I have to go on with my day to day to day life. Put on that smile and convince myself that everything is alright.If I keep this up, then maybe, just maybe, I can make it through the month.