Friday, November 26, 2010
I tried to go Christmas Shopping
It is approximately 230 am, November 26. Yesterday was technically Thanksgiving, which makes today Black Friday, the king day of Christmas shopping. This is going to be your 3rd Christmas, and for the first time, I am looking forward to sending you a Christmas present. I tried to go out and by you something today, when the mall opened at midnight. I went into the Hallmark store, to look at a recordable book, recommended by a fellow birthmom. I opened one up titled The Day You Were Born . I couldn't do it. I began wondering if this was even an appropriate gift, considering our adoption isn't quite open. Something else would be more suitable. But what. I lasted about an hour in the mall before realizing I couldn't do it tonight. I was just an empty shell. A mother searching out her offspring. Lonely in a crowded mall. Baby girl, I love you so much. All this pain I endure just for you. So that you can have the best life possible. I love you so so much, and I hope someday when you're old enough to understand the concepts of adoption and your origins, that you understand how much I loved you. Now don't doubt that I have every intention of getting you a thoughtful Christmas gift this year. I want you to have something to remind you that I always will love you, that I thought about you these years we were apart. Just tonight was obviously not the night.
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Sister Picture
I love this picture of you and your sister. At times, I have had my doubts about how connected you two would be, about how you would be treated, if they would favor Amelia, being the natural one. But this is too cute. I can see how obviously close you two must be. You have your arms up on your ears in the exact same fashion. The closeness you guys are sitting to eachother. It just tells me everything about your relationship as sisters. I love it. I thank your mom all the time for sending me pictures like this one. Pictures that ease my fears of anything that may be wrong. They provide such reassurance that you are ok. And Jerusha, don't that a day ever goes by that you're not on my mind. No matter where you are, no matter where life finds you, I will always love you. I always want you to remember that. I may not be your mom, I may not have been there all those years, but I did the best I could to place you in the arms of someone that could provide for you what I couldn't. What is my role in your life? For now, I'm a piece of your past. I also hope every day that I can be a piece of your future. What my place will be then, only time can tell. Just remember, when you went home with the people you call Mom and Dad, you took a piece of my heart with you.Saturday, November 20, 2010
My Favorite Picture
This is my favorite picture of you. I like it because it reminds me why I made this decision for you. I love the smile on your face and on your dad's face. It reminds me that I gave you a dad in the only way I could be sure that you would have one. It just captures so much emotion,so much love. In this picture, I can see what a great daddy Seth is. I can see the love he has for both you and your sister. It completely erases any anxiety I may have about him having any preference over "his" daughter. He clearly accepts you as "his" daughter as well. Any time I have any anxiety about my decision, I simply look at this picture and it all disappears. I am proud of the life that I have allowed Seth and Zoe to provide for you, and I'm glad you seem the happiest two year old there ever was.
Remember, you're always in my heart, even when you can't be in my arms.
Friday, November 19, 2010
My letter to You
Dear Jerusha,
By now I'm sure that your mom and dad have told you the wonderful story about your adoption and how you came to be their daughter. And over the years, as you've grown up with them and had the wonderful story of your life explained to you, I'm sure you've often wondered about this woman that gave birth to you and allowed you to be raised by your wonderful mom and dad. I am that woman. My name is Jessika and I'm writing you this letter to explain to you why I made the choice I did, and to explain to you that this choice was made out of love.
I first found out that I was pregnant with you when I was 16. At that time, I was not prepared to become a mom. My life was not ready to provide everything that a growing child would need to grow healthily. This is not to say that I didn't want you. Not in the least. I loved you very much, from the very moment I found out that I was pregnant with you. I loved you too much to get an abortion.I wanted to give you life. I wanted to give you a better life than I could provide you on my own.
Amongst the reasons I decided to place you for adoption was of course, the financial reasons. I was 16 years old and had no steady work. I was still in high school, and with no diploma, I would not have been able to obtain a job that would allow me to provide for all of your needs: clothes, rent, food, and the like, and still be able to be your mom.
The other main reason I chose to place you for adoption was because your birth father and I were no longer together or getting along. I was not in contact with him and had no idea wether or not he would be around for you. I wanted to be able to give you a mom and a dad who both love you and who love eachother. Because of these reasons, I felt that Seth and Zoe would be better suited to play the roles of mom and dad.
Enough about that though. If you've ever wondered about me, you've probably wondered about other people in your birth family. Well, at the time that I am writing this letter, I am living with your wonderful birth grandfather named Dennis and abirth aunt (my younger sister) named Brooklyn, in Fresno, California both of whom I am very close to, even at times when we don't always get along. You also have a birth grandmother, Sonia, who lives in another state. My mother and father divorced when I was 7 and my sister was 2.
I have little contact with my maternal grandparents so I can't tell you much about them. But my paternal grandparents have had a huge role in my life. My grandmother, Heidi, was born in Munich, Germany during World War II. She is a very strong woman and I have much respect for her. My grandfather, David, was the son Portuguese immigrants and grew up on a dairy farm in Los Banos, California.
At the time of this letter, I am now graduated from high school, and I attend Fresno City College where I am working on my degree in English and trying to become a high school teacher. I have no other children yet, and no husband. I think about you every day, and I have thought about you every day since I was in the hospital. I hope that one day, I will have the priviledge of meeting you again, on your own terms. Even if we never see eachother again, please remember that you're always in my heart, even while you can't be in my arms.
Love,
Your friend and Birthmother,
Jessika
By now I'm sure that your mom and dad have told you the wonderful story about your adoption and how you came to be their daughter. And over the years, as you've grown up with them and had the wonderful story of your life explained to you, I'm sure you've often wondered about this woman that gave birth to you and allowed you to be raised by your wonderful mom and dad. I am that woman. My name is Jessika and I'm writing you this letter to explain to you why I made the choice I did, and to explain to you that this choice was made out of love.
I first found out that I was pregnant with you when I was 16. At that time, I was not prepared to become a mom. My life was not ready to provide everything that a growing child would need to grow healthily. This is not to say that I didn't want you. Not in the least. I loved you very much, from the very moment I found out that I was pregnant with you. I loved you too much to get an abortion.I wanted to give you life. I wanted to give you a better life than I could provide you on my own.
Amongst the reasons I decided to place you for adoption was of course, the financial reasons. I was 16 years old and had no steady work. I was still in high school, and with no diploma, I would not have been able to obtain a job that would allow me to provide for all of your needs: clothes, rent, food, and the like, and still be able to be your mom.
The other main reason I chose to place you for adoption was because your birth father and I were no longer together or getting along. I was not in contact with him and had no idea wether or not he would be around for you. I wanted to be able to give you a mom and a dad who both love you and who love eachother. Because of these reasons, I felt that Seth and Zoe would be better suited to play the roles of mom and dad.
Enough about that though. If you've ever wondered about me, you've probably wondered about other people in your birth family. Well, at the time that I am writing this letter, I am living with your wonderful birth grandfather named Dennis and abirth aunt (my younger sister) named Brooklyn, in Fresno, California both of whom I am very close to, even at times when we don't always get along. You also have a birth grandmother, Sonia, who lives in another state. My mother and father divorced when I was 7 and my sister was 2.
I have little contact with my maternal grandparents so I can't tell you much about them. But my paternal grandparents have had a huge role in my life. My grandmother, Heidi, was born in Munich, Germany during World War II. She is a very strong woman and I have much respect for her. My grandfather, David, was the son Portuguese immigrants and grew up on a dairy farm in Los Banos, California.
At the time of this letter, I am now graduated from high school, and I attend Fresno City College where I am working on my degree in English and trying to become a high school teacher. I have no other children yet, and no husband. I think about you every day, and I have thought about you every day since I was in the hospital. I hope that one day, I will have the priviledge of meeting you again, on your own terms. Even if we never see eachother again, please remember that you're always in my heart, even while you can't be in my arms.
Love,
Your friend and Birthmother,
Jessika
My Adoption Story
So I'm just going to blog here when I need to. Here is the official "My Story" to all interested:
I know it took a while, but here's my story
I am going to start my story months before conception, on a very specific date: December 9, 2006. I remember this day because I remember telling him that I'd be 16 in twelve days. This is the day I met Robert (or Daniel as I may sometimes call him, Robert was his first name, but he want by Daniel, his middle). I don't know why, but for some reason, after not talking to her in forever, I decided to call my friend Sarah, and Daniel, her brother's (at the time) best friend, answered the phone, we hit it off and I went to her house, stayed the night (in Sarah's room) and by the time I went home we were "together". We hung out, went to the mall, and then my dad picked me up from Sarah's the next afternoon. A couple of days passed. That Tuesday I went with him to his brothers house, came home late, and told him he would have to meet my dad if we were to continue dating. Well, my dad, imo, was the one that started what almost turned into a fight. But my dad saw it the other way and I was consequently prohibited from seeing him. As far as my dad knew, that was the last time we contacted each other.
Well, fast forward about 8 months to the Monday after 4th of July (not sure of the date). I had gone down to the County Health Office to get on birth control for free and without my dad knowing. Well, I didn't get on birth control that day, but that is when I got the life changing news.
I left the building that day trying to hold my tears. I made it down the stairs and I think out the door before I cracked and let them flow on my out to the bus. And there was so much to cry for. So much worry. How would I take care of this child. How would I finish school? How would I work? What would my family think? What would my dad think? And one thing I knew deep down, is that what I had called a relationship with Robert was as good as over.
Well, I went home that day, cried, worried, thought, slept. I tried several times to tell my dad that I was pregnant, but to no avail. I kept chickening out. I finally got him to take me to the store without my sister. I didn't even have to say anything. He looked at me and said "Jessi, are you pregnant?" I couldn't quite get out a yes, but a maybe did make it out. He sent me down to Kaiser the next day to get a test, and when they called me the day after to affirm what I already knew, I called my dad and told him like I was just finding out.
Well, the obvious next question was who. I didn't want to tell him who. I tried to play it off at first like it was just a one night stand and I didn't know him. Hah. That worked well. My dad knows me to well to believe that and he can tell when I am lieing. Well, it eventually came out that it was Robert, and then all hell broke loose for a while.
The first suggestion was that I terminate this pregnancy. From my dad. From Robert. From my so-called best friend. Not an option. But I did meet with a representative from Bethany Christian Services early in my pregnancy and left with some literature and some more information on adoption.
Meanwhile, something was happening. I was growing more and more attached to my little monster. I looked forward to meeting my little one. to being a happy mommy. Well, we moved out of Fresno, to a whole in the wall called oroville. It wasn't long until reality started to set in, and bring up many questions of before. Just how do I plan to finish high school. And how do I plan to feed this kid. And where am I going to find a father? And where will we leave?
With all of these questions circling, I called Lifetime Adoptions. A representative came to my house, got me started on some paperwork, and within a few days I had 50 profiles in the mail. none really jumped out. I called a few, but nothing. No chemistry. So I asked for some more profiles, and got another 50.
This time one really spoke to me. The couple was Brian and Jessica. Jessica was not infertile but was advised not to get pregnant because of a heart murmur. They lived in some Midwestern state, I don't remember which one. They lived on a farm, with a couple acres. I can't remember who, but one of their moms was living in a trailer on the property. They were already checking out the private schools in there area. They were everything I wanted. They were scheduled to come out to California in December, but Jessica became pregnant, and they decided that one was enough.
Well, Lifetime sent me some more profiles. One of them was just a single sheet of paper with a sticky note on it. This couple had just signed with Lifetime and had not yet completed a profile. Seth and Zoe. Something about them clicked, and I called them. We had several conversations before they flew out in March.
My due date was March 18, 2008. Well that day came and went. I began labor on Easter Evening, March 23. I went to the hospital and they sent me home. Seth and Zoe drove me back at 10am the next morning and admitted. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Jerusha Welcome Howard, on March 24, 2008 at 9:22 pm. She weighed 8lbs, 3 ounces, and measured 20 and 1/2 inches long. I got to spend the night with her, and left the hospital, without my precious baby girl. Seth and Zoe really were very sweet. I have a stuffed bunny from build a bear that they gave me when I left the hospital, and Jerusha has the exact same one.
Before they left town, Zoe was kind enough to get the pictures from the hospital developed for me. They then spent some time in Washington before going back to Japan. They are now living in South Carolina. I get pictures and letters frequently, and some email correspondence. They have decided that it would be best to wait until Jerusha is older to have any visits. So for now, I'm just waiting. And while I don't agree with that decision, I thank them for doing what they think is best. Jerusha, I love you forever. Until the day we meet again.
I know it took a while, but here's my story
I am going to start my story months before conception, on a very specific date: December 9, 2006. I remember this day because I remember telling him that I'd be 16 in twelve days. This is the day I met Robert (or Daniel as I may sometimes call him, Robert was his first name, but he want by Daniel, his middle). I don't know why, but for some reason, after not talking to her in forever, I decided to call my friend Sarah, and Daniel, her brother's (at the time) best friend, answered the phone, we hit it off and I went to her house, stayed the night (in Sarah's room) and by the time I went home we were "together". We hung out, went to the mall, and then my dad picked me up from Sarah's the next afternoon. A couple of days passed. That Tuesday I went with him to his brothers house, came home late, and told him he would have to meet my dad if we were to continue dating. Well, my dad, imo, was the one that started what almost turned into a fight. But my dad saw it the other way and I was consequently prohibited from seeing him. As far as my dad knew, that was the last time we contacted each other.
Well, fast forward about 8 months to the Monday after 4th of July (not sure of the date). I had gone down to the County Health Office to get on birth control for free and without my dad knowing. Well, I didn't get on birth control that day, but that is when I got the life changing news.
I left the building that day trying to hold my tears. I made it down the stairs and I think out the door before I cracked and let them flow on my out to the bus. And there was so much to cry for. So much worry. How would I take care of this child. How would I finish school? How would I work? What would my family think? What would my dad think? And one thing I knew deep down, is that what I had called a relationship with Robert was as good as over.
Well, I went home that day, cried, worried, thought, slept. I tried several times to tell my dad that I was pregnant, but to no avail. I kept chickening out. I finally got him to take me to the store without my sister. I didn't even have to say anything. He looked at me and said "Jessi, are you pregnant?" I couldn't quite get out a yes, but a maybe did make it out. He sent me down to Kaiser the next day to get a test, and when they called me the day after to affirm what I already knew, I called my dad and told him like I was just finding out.
Well, the obvious next question was who. I didn't want to tell him who. I tried to play it off at first like it was just a one night stand and I didn't know him. Hah. That worked well. My dad knows me to well to believe that and he can tell when I am lieing. Well, it eventually came out that it was Robert, and then all hell broke loose for a while.
The first suggestion was that I terminate this pregnancy. From my dad. From Robert. From my so-called best friend. Not an option. But I did meet with a representative from Bethany Christian Services early in my pregnancy and left with some literature and some more information on adoption.
Meanwhile, something was happening. I was growing more and more attached to my little monster. I looked forward to meeting my little one. to being a happy mommy. Well, we moved out of Fresno, to a whole in the wall called oroville. It wasn't long until reality started to set in, and bring up many questions of before. Just how do I plan to finish high school. And how do I plan to feed this kid. And where am I going to find a father? And where will we leave?
With all of these questions circling, I called Lifetime Adoptions. A representative came to my house, got me started on some paperwork, and within a few days I had 50 profiles in the mail. none really jumped out. I called a few, but nothing. No chemistry. So I asked for some more profiles, and got another 50.
This time one really spoke to me. The couple was Brian and Jessica. Jessica was not infertile but was advised not to get pregnant because of a heart murmur. They lived in some Midwestern state, I don't remember which one. They lived on a farm, with a couple acres. I can't remember who, but one of their moms was living in a trailer on the property. They were already checking out the private schools in there area. They were everything I wanted. They were scheduled to come out to California in December, but Jessica became pregnant, and they decided that one was enough.
Well, Lifetime sent me some more profiles. One of them was just a single sheet of paper with a sticky note on it. This couple had just signed with Lifetime and had not yet completed a profile. Seth and Zoe. Something about them clicked, and I called them. We had several conversations before they flew out in March.
My due date was March 18, 2008. Well that day came and went. I began labor on Easter Evening, March 23. I went to the hospital and they sent me home. Seth and Zoe drove me back at 10am the next morning and admitted. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Jerusha Welcome Howard, on March 24, 2008 at 9:22 pm. She weighed 8lbs, 3 ounces, and measured 20 and 1/2 inches long. I got to spend the night with her, and left the hospital, without my precious baby girl. Seth and Zoe really were very sweet. I have a stuffed bunny from build a bear that they gave me when I left the hospital, and Jerusha has the exact same one.
Before they left town, Zoe was kind enough to get the pictures from the hospital developed for me. They then spent some time in Washington before going back to Japan. They are now living in South Carolina. I get pictures and letters frequently, and some email correspondence. They have decided that it would be best to wait until Jerusha is older to have any visits. So for now, I'm just waiting. And while I don't agree with that decision, I thank them for doing what they think is best. Jerusha, I love you forever. Until the day we meet again.
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