I guess it makes sense to starte at the begining, which is why I've chosen to use this picture first. It was taken minutes after I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl in the world. She was born at 21:22 on March 24, 2008. It was both the most joyful and most painful day I can remember. I remember just thinking as I held her in my arms, "I made you. I made this person. Do you see what I made? This came out of me" It was a bittersweet day. Her adoptive mother also wanted to hold her. My sister got a chance to hold her. And then the adoptive dad came in to hold her. My aunt showed up, even though I felt as though none of my extended family wanted me within eyesight while I was pregnant, but someone had to take my sister for the night. Brooklyn had school and stuff in the morning. 
That night was the one and only night I got to spend with her. I had the choice. She could sleep in the nursery, she could sleep in a room with her and the aparents, or in my room. I took the obvious choice. I wanted her with me for the night. So did Zoe. So she stayed the night in my room. It was all cool. It was really her baby. She really didn't feel like mine. At the time, holding her felt like holding a cousin, or a friends baby. Not to say my heart wasn't breaking. I was just putting up defenses.

I woke up early that morning, they didn't let me take a shower that night. I guess Jerusha had cried in the night and I slept right through it. I was really out of it I guess. Zoe woke up to feed her though. These were the last few hours I would spend with my daughter. I spent them taking a shower. Brushing my hair. Getting dressed. I think I spent most of my time building up that wall. I left at noon that day. I walked out of those hospital doors, and away from my daughter. She got to leave later that day, I think. On her way to the life I couldn't give her. I still grieve for her. I still miss her with all of my heart. I love her like no other. But I made the right choice. I have no regrets. I did what I did because I love her.