I'm not okay

Every passing day, the pain gets worse. I am sinking into a dark, deep abyss. I don't know what lies ahead, and sometimes I just don't care. The anger, the anger is overpowering. The self pity leads to more anger. Anger towards myself. I wish I could just pinch myself and wake up from this terrible night mare, and have none of it ever happen. I wish that I could close my eyes and have my mind and soul cease to exist. I wish I were dead. No, I wish I was non-existence. I wish that I never was. I'm no good to anybody the way I am, and obviously I was no good to anybody before. I've asked for help. I've called out with my weak, trembling voice. But my cry was heard by no one that cared. The ones that had promised they'd be there to help have turned their back on me, probably so they can focus on destroying more lives. Mine was not enough. I hope their all fucking happy with themselves. That the "deserving Christian family" got their fucking kid. I hope their pleased that they milked this cow for all it was worth, before leaving it to shrivel up slowly. But I should be happy. After all, I gave such an amazing gift to that family.