I want my baby back

Just four little words. Four innocent words when used separately  But when put together in this particular order, it feels like a dirty confessions. It's what we think, but aren't allowed to actually say. I mean, after all, we made this decision, so now we have to live with it, right? As someone told me once, if you hate adoption so much, you shouldn't have chosen it. It's almost blasphemy to admit that you want your child back, that you think giving them up (yes, i used that dirty phrase too, gave up) was the worst decision you could have possibly made, that everything else in your life will pale in comparison to the atrocity you committed when signing that paper.

But of course, we aren't allowed to think this way. We are supposed to happy. Happy that our children have a much better life without us (or so the agencies and manipulators want you to think). But I don't believe that. Not for a second.It's a big heap of bull, because I could have provided for my daughter. It would have been difficult, yes. But I could have done it. Instead, I was weak. I gave up. I let myself be bullied into making a decision that I knew at that time to be wrong, and that will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Oh, but I gave that couple such an amazing gift and I should be proud. yea. say this to my face, and you won't fucking have a face. I gave them nothing. My daughter isn't some fucking present to be wrapped up and put beneath a Christmas tree. Children are not marketable commodoties, unless of course you work in the adoption industry. Then I guess you see all pregnant bellies as giant dollar signs.

So you know what, FUCK YOU. I want my baby back. I spend night after night wishing I could hold her, kiss her, sing her lullabies, read to her, take her for walks. Hell, I wish I would be woken up in the middle of the night to clean the messes made when she wet the bed. I wish I had to go down to the school to deal with teachers or principals when she gets in trouble. I wish I could spend hours in the kitchen trying to figure out how to get her to eat her vegetables. I want it all. I want to be my daughters mommy, not just her mother. But of course, these are all sinful thoughts that are supposed to be kept to one's self.  Regret isn't something we are allowed to feel, or at least, admit that we feel. Well guess what? I regret giving up on my daughter, and giving up on myself.