Yup. That's what I was told today. By another natural mom at that.You would think after five years, comments like this would just roll off my back. And sometimes they do. But not this time.some moms have a great adoption experience, and I'm happy for them. But it seems all to often I'm told I should just stuff my pain down and pretend like adoption hasn't separated me from my child. Well, guess what? It did. And I'm not going to get over it, now, or anytime soon. I lost my child. You don't "get over" that.
Oh, and I'm not going to stop telling pregnant women my story. It's really none of my business if another woman places, but if she comes to me (or to a support group that I am in) looking for advice, I will be sure that she hears from at least one person "You can do this. You will make a great mom. You are what's best for your baby. There is no shame in taking food stamps or aid, so long as you don't abuse the system." I will make sure before you she enters into this lifetime hell we call adoption, that she sees the painful road that lies ahead, for her, and perhaps for her child ahead. I will tell her what adoption professionals often don't: that open adoption agreement doesn't mean shit once the placement is final. Then, if she still chooses to place, at least she will know that she had a full picture, and not just the rosy painting that the adoption agency painted for her. I see nothing wrong with that, and I will not shut up and get over it because speaking my truth makes you uncomfortable.
I can't change the past. I can't "un-place" my daughter. But I can sure as hell tell my story to those who it may help in the future.
Oh, and I'm not going to stop telling pregnant women my story. It's really none of my business if another woman places, but if she comes to me (or to a support group that I am in) looking for advice, I will be sure that she hears from at least one person "You can do this. You will make a great mom. You are what's best for your baby. There is no shame in taking food stamps or aid, so long as you don't abuse the system." I will make sure before you she enters into this lifetime hell we call adoption, that she sees the painful road that lies ahead, for her, and perhaps for her child ahead. I will tell her what adoption professionals often don't: that open adoption agreement doesn't mean shit once the placement is final. Then, if she still chooses to place, at least she will know that she had a full picture, and not just the rosy painting that the adoption agency painted for her. I see nothing wrong with that, and I will not shut up and get over it because speaking my truth makes you uncomfortable.
I can't change the past. I can't "un-place" my daughter. But I can sure as hell tell my story to those who it may help in the future.
Hi Jessika,
ReplyDeleteI just discovered your blog. I saw in your earliest posts that you felt you had made the best decision you could and that you were at peace with the relinquishment. I am wondering what happened to bring you where you are today, realizing that family preservation is best for the mother and child. Is there a blog post about what 'awakened' you? Or was it just a gradual shift in your understanding of what happened to you? I appreciate anything you care to share about how you came out of the fog. I am an adult adoptee and strong supporter of family preservation.
Thank you.
I think most birth mothers early in the process feel that adoption was the best possible choice for their child. I mean, what other reason would a person place? All coercion, lies, etc aside, at the time that a mother signs away her rights, she truly believes she is doing what is best for her children.
DeleteMy change has been slow. Really, I've just slowly started to learn about how adoption CAN and DOES (and I won't say ALWAYS does, because I know adult adoptees who don't feel like they've been affected by being adopted) hurts the adoptee, and how this information was withheld from me. I have come to realize that I would have been a great mother, and nobody ever really told me that. It's been slow. I didn't just wake up one morning as an "angry, bitter birthmom"
PLEASE don't ever stop talking about this. Adoption sucks.
ReplyDeleteSigned,
An adoptee