Things have been going pretty decent for me the past few weeks. I've been working (somewhat) steady. I've graduated. I'm 5 weeks away from moving across the country to finish my Bachelor's Degree. I will for the first time in my life have my own apartment. No roommates. No parents. Just me and my dog. I've been so focused on the upcoming move, that I haven't really had time to feel bad about the adoption.
Until of course, I realize that I've been pretty "okay" lately. That's when it has to hit me, and start dragging me down again. Kind of like having a headache, that comes back the second you realize that it's been gone. How could I possibly be okay? Why do I have to beat myself up for feeling this way? Why can't I just be happy? I mean, I am happy. But life is moving forward. Again. And I'm about to be alone. Again.
I just wish that I could put adoption in my rear view mirror once and for all. I want it to be a thing of my past, and I want to move forward in my life without having this lurking in the corners, ready to pull me into its grip whenever it sees fit.
But that is, of course, an awful thought to have. Forgetting about adoption, putting adoption in my past, even wanting to, is to deny my daughter, my only child. Adoption will always be a part of my life. As long as she is living, growing, exploring, I will always have a daughter that I lost. The story wasn't over when I handed her over to the people she calls mom and dad. Not for her. Not for them. And not for me. It never will be. But maybe, just maybe, I can keep the monster at bay.
Until of course, I realize that I've been pretty "okay" lately. That's when it has to hit me, and start dragging me down again. Kind of like having a headache, that comes back the second you realize that it's been gone. How could I possibly be okay? Why do I have to beat myself up for feeling this way? Why can't I just be happy? I mean, I am happy. But life is moving forward. Again. And I'm about to be alone. Again.
I just wish that I could put adoption in my rear view mirror once and for all. I want it to be a thing of my past, and I want to move forward in my life without having this lurking in the corners, ready to pull me into its grip whenever it sees fit.
But that is, of course, an awful thought to have. Forgetting about adoption, putting adoption in my past, even wanting to, is to deny my daughter, my only child. Adoption will always be a part of my life. As long as she is living, growing, exploring, I will always have a daughter that I lost. The story wasn't over when I handed her over to the people she calls mom and dad. Not for her. Not for them. And not for me. It never will be. But maybe, just maybe, I can keep the monster at bay.
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