it isn't even March yet, but they seem to have come early this year. Particularly the "this time 6 years ago." This time 6 years ago, I was preparing to move back to Fresno. I was certain that I would pop any day and did not for a second think I would make it to my due date. I remember thinking that the time could not pass fast enough- I just wanted this nightmare to be over- because I really thought it would be over. I somehow expected the placement to make me un-mothered somehow.
I remember the agency prepping me for amom's arrival. She was to arrive March 1 and stay til the baby was born. I was being reminded of course how much international flights cost, and how excited amom was to take my, I mean her, child out of the country.
I was also very hopeful. I felt that the aparents- who I had gotten to know so well over our middle of the night calls, and who seemed to care so much about me- were wonderful people. And for all I know, they are. I thought that I was doing everything right. That once I did this thing, that everything would go back to normal. That my family would accept me again (which has sort of happened, but some grudges are difficult for me to let go of). I thought that I was doing the right thing and that I would go back to school and go to college and get grow up to get my white picket fence and marry and "just have more children later." Everything was supposed to just be wonderful.
But look at me now- 23 years old, and full of dreams, but devoid of everything else. My peers, and those younger than me now- are all graduating college. Many of them have married and have started families of their own. Me? I've barely completed my two year degree. Which has done me a world of good in securing that fast food job that I hate, I have a tiny apartment where I barely keep the bills paid. Oh, and a kid I don't even know. I'm doing just fan-fucking-tastic.
So much for everything being alright. So much for the nightmare being over. I just wish I could go back to the days when I just knew that I had done the right thing. I wish that I could go back to that day in the hospital and tell those people to go home and have their own baby. I wish had truly done the right thing. I wish I had brought my girl home with me- like any real mom does- and raised her at home, with her family, where she belongs. We would have made it work. I just know it. I just wish I knew it then.
I remember the agency prepping me for amom's arrival. She was to arrive March 1 and stay til the baby was born. I was being reminded of course how much international flights cost, and how excited amom was to take my, I mean her, child out of the country.
I was also very hopeful. I felt that the aparents- who I had gotten to know so well over our middle of the night calls, and who seemed to care so much about me- were wonderful people. And for all I know, they are. I thought that I was doing everything right. That once I did this thing, that everything would go back to normal. That my family would accept me again (which has sort of happened, but some grudges are difficult for me to let go of). I thought that I was doing the right thing and that I would go back to school and go to college and get grow up to get my white picket fence and marry and "just have more children later." Everything was supposed to just be wonderful.
But look at me now- 23 years old, and full of dreams, but devoid of everything else. My peers, and those younger than me now- are all graduating college. Many of them have married and have started families of their own. Me? I've barely completed my two year degree. Which has done me a world of good in securing that fast food job that I hate, I have a tiny apartment where I barely keep the bills paid. Oh, and a kid I don't even know. I'm doing just fan-fucking-tastic.
So much for everything being alright. So much for the nightmare being over. I just wish I could go back to the days when I just knew that I had done the right thing. I wish that I could go back to that day in the hospital and tell those people to go home and have their own baby. I wish had truly done the right thing. I wish I had brought my girl home with me- like any real mom does- and raised her at home, with her family, where she belongs. We would have made it work. I just know it. I just wish I knew it then.
No comments:
Post a Comment