"Stop your Whining. Get Over it"

Yup. That's what I was told today. By another natural mom at that.You would think after five years, comments like this would just roll off my back. And sometimes they do. But not this time.some moms have a great adoption experience, and I'm happy for them. But it seems all to often I'm told I should just stuff my pain down and pretend like adoption hasn't separated me from my child. Well, guess what? It did. And I'm not going to get over it, now, or anytime soon. I lost my child. You don't "get over" that.

Oh, and I'm not going to stop telling pregnant women my story. It's really none of my business if another woman places, but if she comes to me (or to a support group that I am in) looking for advice, I will be sure that she hears from at least one person "You can do this. You will make a great mom. You are what's best for your baby. There is no shame in taking food stamps or aid, so long as you don't abuse the system." I will make sure before you she enters into this lifetime hell we call adoption, that she sees the painful road that lies ahead, for her, and perhaps for her child ahead. I will tell her what adoption professionals often don't: that open adoption agreement doesn't mean shit once the placement is final. Then, if she still chooses to place, at least she will know that she had a full picture, and not just the rosy painting that the adoption agency painted for her. I see nothing wrong with that, and I will not shut up and get over it because speaking my truth makes you uncomfortable.

I can't change the past. I can't "un-place" my daughter. But I can sure as hell tell my story to those who it may help in the future.

Single Young Idiot looking to Adopt

What is up with all of these whack jobs all of a sudden making profiles on Facebook trying to skirt the adoption industry and get their hands on somebody's child for as cheap as possible? Do people that do this ever actually adopt? They make Facebook pages with names like "Young Couple hoping to adopt" "Single Woman looking to Adopt" "Jack and Jill's Adoption Dream". The pages are filled with poor grammar and lack of knowledge of the adoption world. They post ignorant comments about "rescuing" a baby and talk all about how they want nothing more than the baby they can't have. Then, they spam these pages all over groups where birth mothers gather, sometimes sneaking into closed groups to spam their page. They post on abortion groups, assuming that everyone who talks about abortion would give a baby up for adoption (which is a totally separate issue from abortion, but that's another topic). They message women who have placed and ask them for the next babies, or to hook them up with our pregnant friends

My point? I don't really have one. Maybe don't make a shitty, offensive Facebook page in hopes of adopting. Adoption is expensive. So is parenthood. If you are too cheap to go to an adoption agency or contact a professional, perhaps you aren't ready for adoption. If you want to do things less-than-legal, don't think about taking another woman's child. There is a right way to adopt, but it requires education, time, and money. Kinda like parenting. I'm not a fan of adoption in general, and when I see pages like I have been, well, it makes me wanna puke in my mouth.

Russia bans adoptions to US

By now, many of you have heard, and possibly been outraged, by Russia's decision to ban adoptions to the United States. Why, might you ask, would they do such a thing? Well, in the adoption circles, the most common response seems to be that this is just part of a political game. This is just one more way for Russia to bite their thumb at the United States.

But nobody has stopped to consider that the big bad Russians could possibly have reasons behind this decision. Nobody stops to look at the problems in the perfect land of the United States, where everything is so much better than it is everywhere else. In fact, Americans are so much better than the Russians (and the Chinese, and the Indians. And the Koreans. And just about anyone else in the world.). We are so much better, that we beat our children, we starve our children, we rape our children, at much higher rates than in other countries around the world. (20,000 killed in the past decade, according to UNICEF  This doesn't include the countless numbers of children wishing for death to come and end their suffering) In fact, the United States is such a wonderful, generous nation, that it's not enough for us to abuse and murder our own children. We need to spread the abuse to other nationalities as well. And how dare those evil Russians for trying to keep their children from us.

Now I do realize that not everybody will abuse their adopted children. But the fact still remains that the gamble just may be too much for the Russian government to take with their children. And anyways, are we so conceited as a nation that we really think that adopting these children from other countries somehow saves them? Are their not Russians, Chinese, Indians, etc, that cannot have children of their own, and would like to adopt? Of course there are. But, I guess if that happened too often, these children wouldn't have the privilege of being raised in the most pompous country on the face of the earth. Being American is so great, that it's worth the abuse, neglect, and murder that these children risk when coming in to an American home.





http://news.discovery.com/human/psychology/us-worst-child-abuse-111023.htm

It's not my job

It is not my job, and it never was, to provide a baby to an infertile couple. It is not my job, nor is it the job of any other mother or expectant mother. I here some natural mothers saying how they felt that this was "meant to be" so that they could bless some "poor infertile couple." WRONG. I am so sorry these women have been made to feel that because they maybe from a lower financial class, because they are younger, because they aren't wed, that they are somehow less worthy of their child than this ideal, rich, married couple who just can't conceive.

Also, getting pregnant unintentionally was not some "terrible thing that happened to me." I was not some poor victim of some jerk guy. Getting pregnant was no more or less his fault than it was mine. I got pregnant. It's not something happened to me. And it was not terrible. Sure, the timing could have been better, my finances could have been better, but it wasn't a "terrible thing that happened to me" and I will never regret conceiving my daughter.

What I will regret, is allowing myself to be weak and timid. I regret not standing up for myself and believing in myself. I regret letting my fear take hold of me and guide me in to the biggest mistake I've ever made. Now, I am no longer weak and timid. I will tell women that it is not their job to provide babies for infertile couples. I will tell a young, scared, pregnant girl, that she IS worthy of her baby, that she IS her babies mother, and that this pregnancy didn't happen to her so that she can provide for someone else.

That is all.

I want my baby back

Just four little words. Four innocent words when used separately  But when put together in this particular order, it feels like a dirty confessions. It's what we think, but aren't allowed to actually say. I mean, after all, we made this decision, so now we have to live with it, right? As someone told me once, if you hate adoption so much, you shouldn't have chosen it. It's almost blasphemy to admit that you want your child back, that you think giving them up (yes, i used that dirty phrase too, gave up) was the worst decision you could have possibly made, that everything else in your life will pale in comparison to the atrocity you committed when signing that paper.

But of course, we aren't allowed to think this way. We are supposed to happy. Happy that our children have a much better life without us (or so the agencies and manipulators want you to think). But I don't believe that. Not for a second.It's a big heap of bull, because I could have provided for my daughter. It would have been difficult, yes. But I could have done it. Instead, I was weak. I gave up. I let myself be bullied into making a decision that I knew at that time to be wrong, and that will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Oh, but I gave that couple such an amazing gift and I should be proud. yea. say this to my face, and you won't fucking have a face. I gave them nothing. My daughter isn't some fucking present to be wrapped up and put beneath a Christmas tree. Children are not marketable commodoties, unless of course you work in the adoption industry. Then I guess you see all pregnant bellies as giant dollar signs.

So you know what, FUCK YOU. I want my baby back. I spend night after night wishing I could hold her, kiss her, sing her lullabies, read to her, take her for walks. Hell, I wish I would be woken up in the middle of the night to clean the messes made when she wet the bed. I wish I had to go down to the school to deal with teachers or principals when she gets in trouble. I wish I could spend hours in the kitchen trying to figure out how to get her to eat her vegetables. I want it all. I want to be my daughters mommy, not just her mother. But of course, these are all sinful thoughts that are supposed to be kept to one's self.  Regret isn't something we are allowed to feel, or at least, admit that we feel. Well guess what? I regret giving up on my daughter, and giving up on myself.

I'm not okay

Every passing day, the pain gets worse. I am sinking into a dark, deep abyss. I don't know what lies ahead, and sometimes I just don't care. The anger, the anger is overpowering. The self pity leads to more anger. Anger towards myself. I wish I could just pinch myself and wake up from this terrible night mare, and have none of it ever happen. I wish that I could close my eyes and have my mind and soul cease to exist. I wish I were dead. No, I wish I was non-existence. I wish that I never was. I'm no good to anybody the way I am, and obviously I was no good to anybody before. I've asked for help. I've called out with my weak, trembling voice. But my cry was heard by no one that cared. The ones that had promised they'd be there to help have turned their back on me, probably so they can focus on destroying more lives. Mine was not enough. I hope their all fucking happy with themselves. That the "deserving Christian family" got their fucking kid. I hope their pleased that they milked this cow for all it was worth, before leaving it to shrivel up slowly. But I should be happy. After all, I gave such an amazing gift to that family.

Grief, anger, fear

So here goes my first post in nearly a year and a half. I've gone months of feeling "okay". This is not to say that I've gone months without thinking about or missing my daughter, or that I haven't felt sad, but I've more or less been at terms with the adoption.

But lately I've been overcome with anger and fear. I've been angry beyond comprehension at the adoption agency. I've been learning about various methods of coercion, and how they've been used on me. I've been asking myself questions that I can't answer for myself, and that the agency has been unable to answer for me.

Questions like: Why is it okay to have a mother sign away rights while still in the hospital and under the influence of very strong pain killers? You can't get a tattoo while drunk or high. You can't sign for a loan while drunk or high. But you can sign away parental rights to your child while under the influence of hospital grade pain killers.

Why is it okay for adoption agencies to not fully disclose the side effects of adoption, side effects to both mother and child? Why is it okay for them to not tell me that adoptees often grow up feeling abandoned? Why is it okay not to tell me that birth mothers often suffer from numerous mental disorders?

Why wasn't I made aware of my rights at the hospital? How come nobody ever told me I had the right to spend time alone with my daughter before I signed my rights away. Why wasn't I told that I DON'T have to allow the amom to have a wristband matching her to MY baby? Why was I only offered the option of my daughter sleeping in their room, or the amom sleeping in my room with us, but not the option of sleeping alone with my daughter? Why I was I asked to leave the hospital at noon the next day, just 15 hours after giving birth, after being told by the doctor that I needed to stay 24 hours?

Why wasn't I told that the adoption agency would have no obligation to follow through on the counseling the promised me I would have access to? Now, that I need it most. Now that I am serrating my friendships, one by one, as my girlfriends have babies and or wed, and it eats me alive that they are becoming happy wives and mothers, while I am nothing but an used up hen? Now that I need help, and have reached out for it, I realize that the ones who promised to be there are long gone. But then, I guess it's foolish of me to expect the predator to cure the wounds of the prey.