On Anger and Opinions

Lately, I have found myself back in the angry phases of adoption. I have become as some would call me, an angry bitter birthmom. Well, I don't think I am bitter. But I sure am one pissed off mama, and the way I see it, I have every reason to be pissed off. I was robbed of my mother hood. My daughter lives hundreds of miles away with people I don't even know. Every time I see a license plate from the state she lives in, any time I hear any news from the state she lives in, I have to feel the pang of knowing that that person who I have no clue who they are, was closer to my daughter than I have been in five years.

Adoption was not my choice. I wanted my daughter. I wanted to raise her. Granted, the pregnancy couldn't have come at a worse time. Sure, I balled my eyes out all the way home from the clinic after finding out (the clinic  that I had scheduled an appointment at to get on birth control ironically.) Yes, I was petrified of telling my family that I was pregnant, and how I was going to cope as a teen mom. But I wanted my daughter. I loved her from the first time I saw her little gummy bear form dancing for me on the sonogram. My heart melted.

But my love wasn't enough. I couldn't get on welfare and be just a free loader. So, under pressure of my family and the adoption industry, I gave up. It was wrong. My daughter was taken from me. I live every day of my life with that pain. Sometimes I am kept up at night, remembering those feelings of being all alone, remembering being made to feel like it was me against the world. I remember not wanting that. The only way to get the world on my side again was to just give it what it wanted. And that's what I did. I convinced myself it was a good idea. And now I am pissed.

I am pissed that I had to lose my daughter. I am pissed at the system. I am pissed that those I counted on weren't there for me. I am pissed at myself, for not having a backbone. This was the only time in my life I've ever been a wimp. The only time in my life that I have lacked resolve.

But that brings me to my next point. Why does me being pissed make my experience any less valid? Why does my being pissed mean that my opinion doesn't matter? Why is it acceptable for people to tell me to shut up, and that nobody wants my two cents, just because I am angry?

What if we dismissed everybody's story just because they were angry? I'm not just talking about adoption. What if we told angry soldiers returning from the reality war that their opinions and experiences were invalid because they were angry? What if we told victims of abuse that their feelings are irrelevant because "their just angry"? What if we told disgruntled voters that their opinions were irrelevant, because they are just angry? None of this would be okay. So why is it okay, in the world of adoption, to dismiss an opinion on the grounds of being angry?

Why the Veronica Brown Case is Frustrating Me So

Veronica Brown. By now, everybody in adoption land, and many people who aren't, are familiar with the name. But in case you haven't, Veronica Brown was relinquished at birth by her mother. Her father, Dusten Brown, fought the APs for a year and a half before, with the help of the Indian Child Welfare Act and his Cherokee heritage, he was able to have his daughter returned home. What should have been a happy ending to a tragic story was in fact just the beginning of the long legal battle between Brown and Veronica would-be adopters, the Capobiancos. The battle ultimately led to the Supreme Court, where the decision to stop the adoption on the grounds of ICWA was overturned, as it was decided that Brown was an "uninvolved" father (despite his years of legal battles to keep his daughter, he is somehow considered uninvolved) and South Carolina courts later ordered the adoption to be finalized.

Certainly, this isn't the first news story, court ruling, etc. to upset me. But for some reason, this one really gets to me. It keeps me up at night. Every time I read or hear about Veronica Brown I am overcome by feelings of intense anger, and sadness. The emotional drag of this case weighs more on me than anything I have ever seen on the news. Then, last night, I had a realization.

This case gets to me because it is hitting too close to home. The biological father of my daughter, I believe now more than ever, had his paternal rights illegally revoked. I have gotten different stories from the agency that handled my adoption and the couple who got to be my daughters parents. But only one story from my daughter's biological father: nobody told him anything. He was never served, as the adoption agency claims. He was never contacted by any attorneys, as my daughters adopters claim. He was never given any rights. He was never given a say. And I carry a tremendous amount of guilt for that.

Granted, my daughter's adoption has never been challenged. He knew that he had a daughter on the way, and knew that before we stopped communicating, adoption was still in the cards. But, as he claims, he didn't learn of her placement until it was too late. And he doesn't have the backing of a strong Indian nation to help him.

My daughter's father's rights never existed. Much like the Supreme Court has decided that Dusten Brown, or any other father for that matter, has no right to any of his children that somebody is willing to pay a pretty penny for.

Can "Voluntary" Relinquishment Occur without Coercion?

The more I think of it, the more I've come to realize that, at least in your "normal" agency adoption, coercion is a necessary element of adoption. In order to get a women to surrender her child, you first have to convince her that she would make such a terrible mother, that her child would have such a miserable life with her, that she can best serve her child by rolling the dice and sending her home with total strangers. You have to convince her that she is such a threat to her child, that she will be making the best parenting decision by giving up her right to protect her child from harm, to make sure her child is always happy and safe.

Does this seem like the conclusion that any woman can come to with an ounce of self esteem? Does it sound like a decision that can be arrived at on one's own accord? No. This requires brainwashing. It requires demolishing any self esteem. It requires preying upon weaknesses. 

And then, we wonder why it is so impossible for mothers to carry on with their lives, missing their flesh and blood child, and convinced that they are worthless. 

It still keeps me up at night

I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I'm 16 again, just a couple months pregnant. I remember the evening I told my dad that I was keeping the baby. I had written out a letter to myself that has long since disappeared. The letter said pretty much everything we tell girls now. Adopters can lose jobs, get divorced, etc. And I will finish school and we will be fine. I told my father I was going to raise my baby. It should have been the last time adoption was ever mentioned. Instead, he said "so you mean I'm going to raise the baby."

I had an uncle willing to take me in. He can't do much, he told me, but he could offer a roof and food. Suddenly my father was open to the idea of keeping my daughter.

Until all of a sudden, he told me I better start looking into TANF and section 8. Because I wasn't coming home with that baby.

I remember worrying about whether my dad would ever see his grandbaby in my daughter, whether he would ever look at her and not see Daniel, and the months of lies that led to me getting pregnant. He said he didn't know either.

So, reluctantly, I picked up the phone book and dialed the first number I saw under adoption. I wasn't going to go through with it. I was just going to humor him.

Next thing I know, I have an appointment with an adoption "counselor " at my house. Then, I'm matched. Marine father. Sah mother. Living in Japan.

I convinced myself that this was what I wanted. I convinced myself that this was what God wanted. I actually remember saying to myself at one point "A stupid 16 year old girl needs a lesson. A couple on the other side of tthe world prays for a baby. Funny how the world works."

I want to go tell that girl "no. That's not how it works."

My dad was working when I had her. I was in the hospital a whopping 12 hours after her birth. I know if he'd have seen her, he would have told me not to go through with it. He would have told those people to get lost. I would still have my little girl.

But thats not what happened. Adad drove me home from the hospital. I walked into my house, stuffed bear under my arm. They went home with my baby. And it still keeps me up at night 5 years later.

That moment you realize that you are "okay"

Things have been going pretty decent for me the past few weeks. I've been working (somewhat) steady. I've graduated. I'm 5 weeks away from moving across the country to finish my Bachelor's Degree. I will for the first time in my life have my own apartment. No roommates. No parents. Just me and my dog. I've been so focused on the upcoming move, that I haven't really had time to feel bad about the adoption.

Until of course, I realize that I've been pretty "okay" lately. That's when it has to hit me, and start dragging me down again. Kind of like having a headache, that comes back the second you realize that it's been gone. How could I possibly be okay? Why do I have to beat myself up for feeling this way? Why can't I just be happy? I mean, I am happy. But life is moving forward. Again. And I'm about to be alone. Again.

I just wish that I could put adoption in my rear view mirror once and for all. I want it to be a thing of my past, and I want to move forward in my life without having this lurking in the corners, ready to pull me into its grip whenever it sees fit.

But that is, of course, an awful thought to have. Forgetting about adoption, putting adoption in my past, even wanting to, is to deny my daughter, my only child. Adoption will always be a part of my life. As long as she is living, growing, exploring, I will always have a daughter that I lost. The story wasn't over when I handed her over to the people she calls mom and dad. Not for her. Not for them. And not for me. It never will be. But maybe, just maybe, I can keep the monster at bay. 

Abducted and Adopted

Imagine the following scenario. You are at the mall, shopping, or sitting in your front yard. You watch as your child is playing, and in the second you turn your head around, somebody snatches her, and drives off, leaving you to begin the heart breaking search for your abducted child. Sometime later, you find out that she was sold to an adoption agency, and then adopted by a family in another country. By some stroke of luck, you manage to find exactly where your child is, and where they have been living. But because of the exchange of money and signatures (not yours or your child's), the law is unwilling to return your child to you.

Sadly, this case is not imaginary. It has been the story of many women in recent years. It is likely the story of many who have their children abducted, never to be seen from again. And yet, people will argue that the child should stay where they are, with the traffickers.

"You shouldn't take the child from the only home they know" "They have been there for 10 years. How can you take them away now"

I wonder, if I were to say that perhaps Elizabeth Smart should have stayed with her abductor, after all, that was the only home she had known for the past 14 months. Or how about Stephen Stayner. He was abducted for 9 years to be found alive. Or let's take the most recent case, of the 3 women who had been in their abductor's home for 10 years. Maybe they should just stay with the only home and family they've had for the past decade. But wait, I forgot. There was no exchange of money, or binding legal (and I use that term loosely) agreements made.


http://latino.foxnews.com/latino/news/2012/05/15/us-wont-return-adopted-girl-guatemalan-authorities-say/
http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/content/2013/s3695695.htm

Adoption and Same Sex Marraige

Interesting that I would blog about these things together. I honestly never thought I would talk about same sex marriage here, but I am. There was an article written, as well as a comment on somebody else's facebook, that you can't support equal rights in marriage if you don't like adoption. The reason being is that naturally, this newly wed gay couple will add to the demand for infant adoption.

See, here's the thing. I am not against adoption. Not as it is meant to be. Adoption is SUPPOSED to be about finding home for children that don't have one, because they are orphans, have been rescued from abuse or neglect, or for some reason just don't have a home to go to. There are THOUSANDS of children in foster care waiting to be adopted, and I feel that a same sex couple should be able to give these children a home the same as a single parent, or heterosexual couple can. Any (safe) home is better than no home at all and being bounced around foster care and group homes.

However, adoption so often becomes about finding CHILDREN for HOMES. A person or couple who cant conceive wants a baby so badly they will pay any price to get it. This is where profit comes in. And when there is money to be made, there are people willing to bend the rules to acquire the product. In this case, it just so happens to be children (sickening, right?) This is where we get coercion. This is when adoption agencies set themselves up as "crisis pregnancy centers" and mind fuck and mentally beat down anyone who walks through their door. This is where adoption agencies assume that just because a pregnant woman is exploring her options, that her baby is already their profit, and they will use every tool they can to make sure she knows she is worthless and is such a horrible human being that her child is better off with strangers than with her. I am AGAINST this kind of adoption for ANYONE: Gay, straight, black, white, you name it. THIS IS WRONG.

I support equal rights in adoption. And I can support same sex marriage and be against the corruption in adoption at the same time. Any argument otherwise is just a red herring.